A DAY IN THE LIFE

A day in my life?

It’s not at all plain and simple and definitely not as easy as others may think. Oh, how I hate it when people say that I have a laidback life without a single care in the world. Just because I’m not a regular employee right now doesn’t mean that I can manage my own time and take a slack. Man, if you only knew.

Just to give you an idea…

After my morning jog I would go directly to the shop and stay there for a few hours (just like today). I don’t mind being sweaty and all when taking my post and attending to customers. But when I feel like they’re standing a few inches farther from me than usual, that’s my cue that I should go back home and take a bath. Sometimes I am so busy that I forget to eat. There are times when I would take my lunch at 4pm (on some occassions, that’s just breakfast). It’s also not funny when you start to have neck and back spasms while at the same time experiencing symptoms of carpal tunnel syndrome. Yes, I don’t have an 8-5 job. It’s usually 7-9.

Blah-blah-fuc**ng-blah.

At times I feel offended when I am told that I am lucky (and all that bull) because I have my own business. For the record— this is not mine! I know a lot of people working in a job they like (good for you) and people working in a job they hate but earning thrice as much as I am (so stop complaining). Others can pursue their graduate studies and I damn envy them. One of my (favorite) life’s frustrations was when I wasn’t able to grab that next to impossible chance of transferring to UPD and study Fine Arts or Film. Honestly, I am still holding on to my dreams of directing Episodes 7-9 of Star Wars or being another Kidlat Tahimik. Tough luck. It seems that the short animation I made during high school featuring G.I. Joe action figures doing a silly dance before ending up in a WWF-inspired fight scene would remain as my piece de resistance.

Someone might ask, "So why aren’t you doing anything about it?" If I could use my answer to that question as a gun, I’d blow his head off. Ladies and gentlemen— the jokes, antics and idiosyncrasies are not reflections. They are not defense mechanisms either. I am just being myself so there’s no need to pyschoanalyze me.

My day wouldn’t be complete without my darling Panic Anxiety Disorder. These overwhelming attacks that I have in my pocket 24/7 since December 2004 changed my life. I’ve had enough of people (who doesn’t have a clue of what I’m going through) telling me to fight it, to do this or to do that or… Hey! It doesn’t help at all, okay? Resisting only worsens my condition. Once I went to a renowned shrink in our city but he made me feel more anxious and stressed instead. We only talked for about ten minutes and I believe that he never said anything that made any sense at all. And when I got the bill, I thought that I was going to have a heart attack. What a scam! Still, I tried taking those medications that he prescribed and I was introduced to Lexapro’s first cousins. Aside from the fact that they’re expensive, they also have very uncomfortable side effects and this prompted me to stop taking them. I decided and learned to embrace the fear. It’s not that easy either but it’s the closest thing to having a life.

Hmm, do I sound angsty in this entry? Maybe I just wanted a release. I feel relaxed now. I know better than to deem my worth by comparing myself to others. I am too busy with my own problems to worry about what others have to say about me. I am not glorifying my existence. My life is one perfect complex. I can openly admit that this is not the life that I wanted but this is my journey and it is not yet over.

How do I get by?

I think about the life in my day.

Thank God I was able to jog today. My thrice-a-week morning activity finally resumed after a two-week hiatus. I was supposed to jog yesterday but the early drizzle prevented me from doing so, thus forcing me to clean my housemates’ mess inside and outside the apartment at 6am. It was not exactly my idea of starting a Tuesday.

I jog so I can breathe, so I can feel alive. Jogging became a habit two months after I quit smoking. It helps in decreasing both the degree and recurrence of my panic and anxiety attacks. I jog in the morning simply because the air is cleaner during that time. It also makes me feel invigorated and this is something that I really need for a stressful day. Others prefer a late afternoon or an early evening jog. Hmm, maybe they find it difficult to wake up early or they have a busy morning or they just want people to see them jog (pa-cute in other words, hahaha).

Everytime I walk, jog or run, I feel free. It’s such a bliss whenever I’m in motion and my mind is focused on only two things: my breathing and the road.

I hate it when I get distracted by that pretty girl whom I usually pass by along the baobabs near the main library. (Could she be Nike disguising herself as a human?)

Machine Wash
Cold Water
Do Not Bleach
Tumble Dry
Live

I had a heavy brunch yesterday and I have never felt lighter and better. I can’t believe that I ate a large serving of pride in one sitting.

Robert Smith was right. Boys don’t cry.

Men do.

It’s been two weeks and I still have this uncomfy feeling that something is lodged in my throat. As usual, my imaginative mind went to work. I told myself that whatever this is, it’s going to block my windpipe sooner or later or that it’s cancer. I’m transforming into Batman once more because I’m becoming panicky again (corny, I know).

I texted my beautiful friend/physician/shrink/Darna wannabe, Reggie, and she replied that I just might be having globus pharyngeus (a term applied to the sensation of a lump or discomfort in the throat). She called me a while ago and told me not to be anxious about it and to go to an ENT doctor for my own piece of mind. I googled and found out that globus pharyngeus can be triggered by too much introspection and anxiety. If what I read is true, then I am guilty on both counts.

But I believe that it could also be something else, something worse. Maybe there’s really something lodged in my throat for years that needs to be swallowed.

Pride.

I don’t want people to think that I’m just bitter or sourgraping or whatever, simply because I’m not (and I’m not being defensive either). It’s just that this one’s truly blogworthy. Besides, this is a day in my life…

Jay, another friend of mine, dropped by our shop last night and handed me a wedding invitation. He’s going to tie the knot (around his neck?) with his girlfriend (of course!) before January ends. Are my friends and high school batchmates becoming more I DO-ish these days? Or is it because we’re entering that stage in our lives where walking the golden mile is considered as a cardiovascular exercise?

Speaking of marriage… My other bestfriend got married last December (yes, I have bestfriends from different circles). It was a civil wedding so discreet that she never even told me and her other close friends about it (much to their surprise and disappointment). Actually, her sister told me last November that she’s getting married but I never thought it would be that soon.

So, why didn’t she tell me?

I’m her bestfriend (or at least I used to be) and I believe that I have the right to be informed about it. Our friends share the same sentiment but I told them that I’m no longer surprised by her actions (or lack thereof).

It’s been almost three years since ties were severed and a decade of friendship was sent adrift. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and say that I am not guilty of any crime. My hands were also stained with blood but I firmly believe that I have served my sentence.

"When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain." As I read these words of Gibran, I can’t help but feel a great deal of regret. You can lose a friend if you want to but at least don’t lose the respect for him as a person. The mountain is gone.

So, did she tell our son?

"Yes, of course," she said.

When someone is seeking, it happens quite easily that he only sees the thing that he is seeking; that he is unable to find anything, unable to absorb anything, because he is only thinking of the thing he is seeking, because he has a goal, because he is obsessed with his goal. SEEKING means: to have a goal; but FINDING means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal.

Siddhartha

The Prophet replied:

"Oh, well… I couldn’t be affected anymore. Sometimes I wonder, I question, but I just gracefully accept and embrace with amusement and compassion. You cannot choose your family. We may not be much, but we’re all we’ve got. We’re the most we’ve got. It’s all good."

I was consumed by an overwhelming feeling of resignation, but at the same time I felt hope. Why? Because losing family obliges us to find our family. William Forrester couldn’t have written it any better.

Hmm… I swear they’re around here somewhere… somehow.